On my morning scroll, that I try to avoid but fail too often, I came across a video on TikTok of two people having a "debate." I can't help but state that I personally think the word debate is used too loosely and incorrectly when describing an unregulated argument that is videotaped and then put onto various media platforms, but for the modern day Gen Z social media educated collective of people, we all know exactly what sort of conversation I am going to be describing.
So here it is, as short and sweet as I can get it. Race and gender will be importantly noted. The highlight of gender is solely in an effort to discuss how society's influence on gender has affected the way cisgender men and cisgender women act, and more importantly engage with one another. Race is noted here because as a black woman myself, I find it’s important to touch on the perspective that society receives of women's reactions based on their race. A perspective that I note society receives. An unwanted gift from the most esteemed critic of modern day society, men. But that’s my just, opinion.
A black woman and a black man were sitting opposite sides of each other with huge microphones covering half their faces, talking at each other. Not to each other, but at each other. I think one of the most overstimulating aspects of these "debates" we are all subjected to on social media is the noise. The frustration that builds as the viewer must bounce back and forth between the vocal chords of two separate individuals rubbing together simultaneously. The timing of the two voices being so close together makes for an unpleasant sound. Not being able to hear the argument being made, let alone not even having time to process what it means before the other person is already firing back. The viewer feels defeated, having not even engaged in the debate themselves, but leaves the said conversation with an elevated heart rate and most likely a very skewed and inaccurate view of the topic being discussed. But that is not the point of this conversation I am attempting to have with the reader. I want us all to pay close attention to how this conversation I am about to disclose to you went.
The topic of their entire conversation was...I'm honestly not even sure, but what they were arguing about in the instance I watched was this. The young black woman was revealing to the young black man his emotional immaturity present in how he carried himself in their debate, and he was not having it.
Video begins.
Man: "Listen man I would just hope that when we have discussions like this we only speak in fact." His response to her claim of his emotional immaturity. Note here, his initial demeanor is condescending yes, but it is arguably done in a joking manner. Keep this initial attitude in mind.
Woman: "But no one said it was--you asked my opinion I only gave an opinion--" She says this in a seemingly flustered way, mimicking a state of confusion rather than frustration. Her tone reflects firmness, but in a soft way. Softness not out of want but necessity. Possibly in effort to appease, but I think too in a strategic sense, done to allow her to be heard fully, leading to a higher chance of being understood...and less of a chance of being argued with. So she thought. These premeditated efforts are manifestations of female anger I will touch on later.
The woman is then interrupted by the man before she could finish her sentence.
Man: "So now going forward--"
She arguably interrupts him, but viewed from a different perspective, she just did not allow his interruption to halt her sentence. She didn't allow his interruption to silence her.
Woman: "How are you going to ask someone--" a continuance of her initial sentence she has still not been able to complete.
---interrupted, yet again.
Man: "Are you going to let me finish or are you going to keep cutting me off"
Ironic isn't it. His first instance in this conversation of emotional immaturity that she is claiming he is exhibiting, brought before us, and before him. He just painfully cannot see it, or doesn't want to. Not being able to see one's own hypocrisy is the poster child for emotional immaturity.
He says this while he places his hand firmly on the mic, chin down, and his somewhat jokingly aggressive tone has now just turned cold and rigid. A power move, he is trying to assert dominance. Like the big bad man he is--must be said and read in a little boy voice. His only play of trying to silence her in order for his argument to stand tall but not true, isn't working.
Video continues.
The woman proceeds to continue her first and only sentence she has attempted to complete since the beginning of this clip that is for the third time being interrupted.
Woman: "--and then get mad at them--"
---interrupted once again, although this time his tone is loud. His cadence is fast and sharp.
Man: "and you get mad when I get a little louder because you're cutting me off and then call me emotionally immature for it."
I don't know about you, but getting louder when someone isn't listening is the control tactic of an elementary school child, not that of a grown man interested in stimulating conversation. An interest I would think he possesses as he is the one who purchased two ginormous microphones. But anyways sir, weren't you the one who cut her off in the first place and now are left with just the capabilities of your vocal chords to shut her up, or in other words stop her from saying not necessarily what you don't want to hear, but what you don't like to hear. That you are being immature. In other words, exposing to you that you don't have your emotions under control. Control. Ladies, y'all will get that immediately, but men ponder that one.
Video continues.
Woman: "you're just proving my point." She says this as she covers herself with her jacket rocks side to side, shakes her head, avoids eye contact. She is soothing herself, partly because the frustration is only building to a peak at this point as it is in me as I'm watching this, but his reaction is shutting her down. Or maybe it is the preconceived reaction of society too that shuts her down. See how I said frustration instead of anger when referring to the emotion she is arguably feeling in that moment, keep that in mind. Women but black women especially do not have the grace to be angry. Doing so limits their power rather than embodies it. That's society's doing.
He is showing her clear signs of aggression building up that may not be so obvious to our conscious mind or the naked eye so to say, but our body and subconscious mind knows what's up. It is called Neuroception. Where our subconscious mind constantly scans our environment and is able to quickly and arguably effortlessly pick up potential threats before our conscious mind can even register them. I'm not a psychology major, but Psych 101 can break that down real simply for you. In this scenario, a potential threat has been detected, the unregulated anger of a man.
Don't get it twisted though. Trust me, anger is building too for the woman present in this clip, but us women have spent generations of suppressing, being forced to suppress that rise of anger. Associating it with fear more than we do with power, unlike men. A rise in anger or adjacent emotions or feelings asserts a man's power, his voice. While for a woman, it silences it. Silences her. Imagine what that does to someone, a body, a mind. What generations of teaching our bodies to entirely erase a human emotion from our natural behavior based on the gender we possess and how society perceives that gender. Imagine the anger women feel as a collective. You have no idea. And yes, I mean you as in men.
Does this then mean we too should contemplate the sadness men feel as a collective? Yes, a story for another time.--
The way she backs down in a sense is not because she believes she is wrong, but any fuel to this fire is not going to help. She knows that, women know that. It is ingrained into our psyche. Read this.
"A cultivated feminine habit of prioritizing the needs of others and putting people at ease frequently puts us at a disadvantage. In particular, girls and women learn to put aside anger in order to deescalate tension or conflict, lowering the temperature of encounters or situations that put us or others at risk. We understand that abandoning our anger is a necessary adaptation to a perpetual undercurrent of possible male violence. In a society where male violence toward women is a reality for many of us, we simply cannot know how a man--whether someone familiar or a stranger-- will respond and if he will be violent. We can only trust, hope, and minimize the risk. Layered on top of these habits is a pervasive silence around the fact that we are constantly making these assessments. And so, as we will see, the men around us at home, school, and work often actively deny our experiences or can be ignorant of the constant calculus we make when it comes to expressing ourselves. If men know how truly angry the women around them often are--and understood the structures of enforcing women's silence--they would be staggered." -Soraya Chemaly, from Rage Becomes Her; The Power of Women's Anger. xix
Video continues
Man: "I'm just asking questions." His smile returns. "I'm just--I'm just--I'm just asking questions." He says in a laughing tone that doesn't harbor genuine humorous feelings, but rather a tone that says, "you're getting mad at what I say and it's funny. Haha."
So is that all that you were doing? Asking questions? Was that all you were doing when your voice got louder, and your tone got sharper, and your whole demeanor, attitude, and emotions turned...angry? Anger is not an immature emotion, but how you respond to that anger is. You see how his response mimics that of lets say, a 5 year old who was scolded on asking inappropriate questions. Anyways, I'll try to keep my unnecessary opinions at bay from now on.
An unknown man off camera chimes in: "We say this because you say your opinion as if it's fact that's how it comes off." When in the history of podcasts does someone without a microphone chime in? That was exaggerated but seriously, people from behind the scenes of a podcast don't just 'chime in'. But in this scenario a woman calling another man emotionally immature struck something deep in both men, clearly. Maybe it's time to look in a mirror?
Woman: "If he took my opinion for a fact that's between him and himself. I never said for a fact Jordan, you are this"
--While she is saying this, there is frustration in her voice. A condescending tone to her statement, a valid one I would say. It results in an unproductive response. You hear the men in the background go "ahhh I can't with this."
Now what 'cant with this' can you not do? Is it someone clarifying what they said that you 'can't do'? Or in her case, was it the fact she had to repeat verbatim what she said in an effort to get you on the same page? But it was the tone she used that rubbed you the wrong way, right? So men can be condescending but women can't? Got it.
Maybe it is the fact that they can't admit that an individual they deem inferior to them stated the obvious. A woman, a black woman at that. Because I can assure you if a man was telling another man he was emotionally immature, this would be a much different conversation.
Do you see how she already has to appease these men. She has yet to complete one sentence and she already needs to minimize the damage her words did to them. When in reality it is a minimization of the potential feelings and reactions that stem from a man hearing something he doesn't like.The men in this clip feel full right to police her speech but God forbid-- they learn to not yell when they speak.
Video continues.
Woman: "you asked for my opinion, I gave you my opinion, you didn't like my opinion that's okay you don't gotta like it. Or even agree with it. It's just my opinion and that is all it is. I ain't God, I can't tell you what you are and what you're not. I can only give an opinion"
Before she can even finish, shocker.
Man: So you're a dictator and I'm gonna stand on that. That's my-- that is how I feel, that's my opinion."
Woman: "and that's okay."
WHEW! Are you overwhelmed cause I am. And I am not necessarily overwhelmed by what I am hearing, although boy, would I rather kick rocks with opened toed shoes than hear that man ever speak again. But what I unfortunately know to be true is that there are too many men and women who are not going to see what is wrong with this man's responses. His behavior, his demeanor, his overwhelmingly obvious emotional immaturity. That is the exhausting part. That it is not seen, it is not believed, it is not acknowledged what women go through on a daily basis when it comes to men. Women wear the burdened cloak of being the endurers of pain, but too the teachers of peace. Not just for themselves, but for those around them. By default, the woman in that conversation is burdened with the responsibility of teaching those men, whether she realizes or not, and whether she wants to or not. This burden was placed upon her the moment she was born. Teaching them what you ask? Well for starters, how to have a disagreeing conversation with someone without allowing one's emotions to take hold of how they present themselves. AKA emotional maturity. Something that was clearly not exhibited in the conversation we just went through together.
To some, mostly men, there will be a thought of, did she really just write a whole essay on a silly little dispute between two people? Yes, I did. Why? Because this idea of the burdened responsibility of "teaching men" that women unwillingly at times uphold seems minuscule, but it truly is not. It stems from something much bigger than having productive and calm conversations with those of the opposite gender. It is the responsibility of minimizing the potential of a harmful situation to arise. Part of that minimization process is learning the behavior of men to a T, and then learning how to conform yourself when in the presence of that behavior. It's an art form so to say, a dance a woman must learn at a very, very early age. The price of not learning this sometimes costs women their lives.
So that is why I wrote about a silly little conversation between a man and a woman. Because a conversation like this, perhaps in a different setting, where a woman doesn't back down. Every single day. Costs women their lives.
Per usual watch the video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wMt0K-AbpCU
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